Where Are They Now?
So, it has been exactly 2 months since we last heard from the crew of II (much longer if you don’t count that strange period where it was just Photoshopped pics of Jordan and Josh fappin’ about my apartment) and I thought it might be appropriate to check in on our motley crew (as apposed to the real Motley Crew where, as long as they aren’t making awful, ear-rappingly bad music anymore, who gives a s#!% what they’re doing).
Let’s start by getting some of the really unimportant characters out of the way…
The New Guy
New Guy: Hey!
Jordan: What?! You were only in like 85 of our 131 episodes…
New Guy: So, you were only in 99!
Jordan: Exactly… I was in more!
New Guy: If you’re going to do unimportant characters; why not do WoW Guy or that degenerate, Tim Cruse?
Jordan: You leave Tim alone! That man is a Saint, he wouldn’t hurt a fly… unless that fly was hot or Tim was drunk.
New Guy: See, this is my…
Jordan (continued): …Or if Tim had struck out with a Grasshopper first or…
New Guy (speaking to the reader): Yeah, I think he’s just going to keep listing reasons why Tim would have sex with a fly for a while…
Jordan (still at it): Perhaps, if the fly was ugly but it brought one of it’s fly friends into the mix then…
New Guy (speaking to the reader): I’ll tell you what, while he’s at that, I’ll catch you up on what I’ve been doing, sound good?
I guess the best place to start with me is right after we all got fired from Imagine Industries. I went home and called my Sister right away; she’s my rock and I don’t know what I’d do without her. She said that I was better off without that place and was wasting my time and talents trying to please people who were incapable of appreciating me. I decided she was right and starting floating my resume right away. I got a few nibbles right off but no bites, til finally, I got a call from an old friend who was working for Mitt Romney’s political campaign. He said he’d get me an interview and, sure enough, I got the job writing speeches for the guy. Full disclosure, I’ve never written a speech before this job and I really don’t know what I’m doing but no one has caught on yet. I randomly threw out having Mitt sing-talk his way through, “America the Beautiful” as a joke but they actually loved the idea and the next day this happened.
Anyway, enough about work, I met someone recently, her name is…
Jordan (still going): If the fly is a real “butherface” that got a boob job then sure, in those few 165 instances, Tim would hurt a fly but besides that, Tim is a total Saint.
New Guy: Hey, why don’t you think of reasons why Tim would nail a centipede now, I was about to tell them about my love life.
Jordan: Oh good, I cut you off before you scared everyone away. I think they’d like to hear about me now.
So, after I lost my job at Imagine Industries, I called New Guy’s Sister, she’s my rock.
New Guy: You’re such an a$$hole.
Jordan: Hey, I didn’t interrupt you, did I?
New Guy: Actually, you kinda did…
Anyway, she said to stop calling her or she’d call the Police, that is so New Guy’s Sister. Her advice really spoke to me and after a lot of soul searching and a failed attempt to translate the comic into a new format, I decided to man up and do the right thing… kill myself. First, I tried all the regular methods; carving “Brooks was here” into a beam then hanging myself from it, shooting myself in the face to kill my alter-ego before he could blow up all the major banks in the city, Flying my Bat-Wing over the Ocean while carrying a nuclear bomb away from Gotham, jumping off a bridge before an Angel shows me what would happen to all my friends and family if I never existed (p.s. They were way better off) but nothing worked.
So finally, I took my failure as a sign from God and joined the Priesthood. After only a few short weeks, I took my vows and was tricking people into all sorts of crazy leaps of faith. I recently got a paraplegic to think that if he truly believed hard enough, he’d walk again. He literally fell out of his wheelchair and flopped around for an hour and a half before he cried and gave up. I told him that, “I guess the Lord doesn’t love you”. Classic!
New Guy: You’re a Monster!
Jordan: Are you just figuring that out now? Anyway, I’ll let Josh fill you in on what he’s been up to next week. Spoiler alert, he’s Gay now.
New Guy: I don’t think…
Jordan (interrupts): Clearly.
New Guy (Annoyed stare)
Jordan: Boom! Episode 2 burn!
New Guy: I can really see why people would miss us.
New Guy (shrugging): I don’t even know anymore.