World Of Warcrap (Part 21)
Jordan | March 19th, 2011
New Guy: The Voice Of Obvious
So, with WoW Guy in RL and the guys hangin’ in the Land Downunder (I’m being told that nickname is just for Australia and doesn’t apply to Azeroth) we are gearing up for the Epic Battle for the Souls of All People Everywhere… I maybe underselling this a tad bit. Anyway, it’s kinda a big deal… enough said.
Working Out Is Work
So, I’m not quite the physical specimen I once was (or once thought I was) but I’m not that bad… right? I mean, YOU ALL think I look good still… FINE, I need to lose weight but there’s a problem. I don’t want to, or at least, I don’t want to do the things that would help me. I kept a diet for a while and lost 10 pounds but then I had a doughnut and then another and then things got hazy. Now, I’m just as out of shape as ever but slightly older, which doesn’t help. So, I present to you my Weak-Willed Person’s Guild to Losing Weight.
1. Get Horribly Sick: Nothing sheds the pounds faster than not being able to keep food down.
Upsides include; not having to go to work, being able to eat whatever you want and people being nice to you to your face.
Downsides include; not making money for days you take off, the constant taste of a mixture of vomit and what you just ate, effectively ruining what you ate for you for 6 months to life and knowing the people who are being nice to your face really think you’re faking or don’t really care.
2. Get Stranded In The Desert, Armed Only With A Pocket Knife And An Overriding Need To Get Back To Civilization If For No Other Reason Than To Kill The Person Who Stranded You. It’s like having to walk out of a 10 mile wide steam room with no food… you WILL lose weight.
Upsides include; there is no need to calorie-count when you’re starving to death, sandy dunes offer nice resistance on your jog for life and you know you have a friend that cares enough to drug and strand you to help you reach your health goals.
Downsides include; cactus water is rarely kept properly chilled, if you take a nap vultures will likely eat you, blinding sandstorms and “I killed him cause he stranded me in the Desert” won’t get you off in court.
-Hehe, ‘get you off’.
3. Liposuction Provided Via Household Vacuum. Just make sure you have it set to suck and not blow.
Upsides include; Cheap, semi-effect weight loss in trouble areas, filters make clean up easy, and you can make up a Heroic story as to how you got your self inflicted “closest thing you own to a scalpel” cuts.
Downsides include; Almost certain death.
Finally, why not Pick A Fight With Everyone You Meet. You’ll literally feel the pounds getting beaten off of you.
Upsides include; Blood loss is still weight loss, you can’t eat as much without your teeth and you’ll get a great cardiovascular work out as you ‘kick in’ a defenseless old Lady’s ribs for the 2 hours it takes for someone to respond to her medical alert bracelet.
Downsides include; Swelling makes you look fatter.
Can you think of any other “unconventional” work out programs for me? If you can’t think up a good one, I’m sure Josh would have no problem executing Plan 2 for me.
Cause he’s a true friend… the dirty SOB!