World Of Warcrap (Part 21)

Jordan | March 19th, 2011

New Guy: The Voice Of Obvious

So, with WoW Guy in RL and the guys hangin’ in the Land Downunder (I’m being told that nickname is just for Australia and doesn’t apply to Azeroth) we are gearing up for the Epic Battle for the Souls of All People Everywhere… I maybe underselling this a tad bit. Anyway, it’s kinda a big deal… enough said.

Working Out Is Work

So, I’m not quite the physical specimen I once was (or once thought I was) but I’m not that bad… right? I mean, YOU ALL think I look good still… FINE, I need to lose weight but there’s a problem. I don’t want to, or at least, I don’t want to do the things that would help me. I kept a diet for a while and lost 10 pounds but then I had a doughnut and then another and then things got hazy. Now, I’m just as out of shape as ever but slightly older, which doesn’t help. So, I present to you my Weak-Willed Person’s Guild to Losing Weight.

1. Get Horribly Sick: Nothing sheds the pounds faster than not being able to keep food down.

Upsides include; not having to go to work, being able to eat whatever you want and people being nice to you to your face.

Downsides include; not making money for days you take off, the constant taste of a mixture of vomit and what you just ate, effectively ruining what you ate for you for 6 months to life and knowing the people who are being nice to your face really think you’re faking or don’t really care.

2. Get Stranded In The Desert, Armed Only With A Pocket Knife And An Overriding Need To Get Back To Civilization If For No Other Reason Than To Kill The Person Who Stranded You.
It’s like having to walk out of a 10 mile wide steam room with no food… you WILL lose weight.

Upsides include; there is no need to calorie-count when you’re starving to death, sandy dunes offer nice resistance on your jog for life and you know you have a friend that cares enough to drug and strand you to help you reach your health goals.

Downsides include; cactus water is rarely kept properly chilled, if you take a nap vultures will likely eat you, blinding sandstorms and “I killed him cause he stranded me in the Desert” won’t get you off in court.

-Hehe, ‘get you off’.

3. Liposuction Provided Via Household Vacuum. Just make sure you have it set to suck and not blow.

Upsides include; Cheap, semi-effect weight loss in trouble areas, filters make clean up easy, and you can make up a Heroic story as to how you got your self inflicted “closest thing you own to a scalpel” cuts.

Downsides include; Almost certain death.

Finally, why not Pick A Fight With Everyone You Meet. You’ll literally feel the pounds getting beaten off of you.

Upsides include; Blood loss is still weight loss, you can’t eat as much without your teeth and you’ll get a great cardiovascular work out as you ‘kick in’ a defenseless old Lady’s ribs for the 2 hours it takes for someone to respond to her medical alert bracelet.

Downsides include; Swelling makes you look fatter.

Can you think of any other “unconventional” work out programs for me? If you can’t think up a good one, I’m sure Josh would have no problem executing Plan 2 for me.

Cause he’s a true friend… the dirty SOB!


Unconventional workout methods are the best. So I did the Shamrock run up in Portland yesterday and saw on numerous occasions, bandanas that said “I run so that I can drink”. How cool are those, oh well not the point here is my idea, just get yourself so far buried in a computer that eating or drinking doesn’t even cross your mind. And of course you have to have this setup in someone’s basement that is not your own and play with headphones so that you can’t even hear the screams of others telling you that you need to eat, or USE the toilet, and when it gets so bad that you slip into a coma someone will be there in a few hours to check on you and not a few days or weeks, if you were to do it in your own house. And when you are in the hospital then you can laugh that someone else has to clean up the mess you left behind.

Lol, nice reference in the first panel there 🙂

I highly recommend putting on layers of clothing in the summer, then drive around in your car (the one you don’t like) with the windows up and heat on. That’ll burn some calories 😉

Love the Finkle Einhorn reference… i find it two fold one because of Ace Ventura, I have images of Jim Carey stuffing an entire pack of gum into his mouth and that makes me happy on this Monday. Reference two is there is actually an NPC in WoW named “Finkle Einhorn”

Jordan I agree with #2… Getting stranded would be a great way to shed pounds… remember the movie Cast Away? Tom Hanks lived on an island for 4 years, no work, no phones, no one to bug him, he gorges on Coconut milk and fresh seafood and at the end is totally buff, has a killer beard, and a tan most celebs would kill for… and he can kill fish with a spear throw… i remember walking out of the theater thinking “that part where he got rescued was sad… he had a good thing goin”

The amazing part is Hanks lost that weight without actually being stranded-Anyone remember Striptease? Demi worked out for months with a personal trainer to look that hot for…..wait for it….12 million $”s. Yeah, I think even I could exercise for that kind of dough!! Cheli

If you do it right, you can actually lose a lot of weight on vacation. Just plan your destination to be a foreign metropolis, where taxis are too expensive, and the best form of getting around is walking and taking the metro. Pick a country where all the women are tall and skinny. Even if you eat out multiple times a day, you will most likely be eating very fresh, hearty food, that was killed, or pulled from the earth very recently. Even though you will stuff yourself with over-sized American portions, your body will be able to process it much more easily and be able to turn it directly into walking energy instead of packing it away on your saddle bags for future use. Because you are taking in the sites, getting lost in mazes of narrow streets, while walking briskly to avoid being pick pocketed, the pounds will burn off you in no time. There is a reason why crammed cities where people walk everywhere have more skinny people.

But I guess this advice is invalid if you consider walking “working out”.

this is actually a really good answer. I mean, it’s a real answer for a real problem. Nice thought, I think we could all benefit from a couple weeks on vacation… I just wish we could all afford it.

A: Logging out, simple thing forgotten when bending laws of reality
B: Credit stolen, figures Josh thinks the dude with no name’s ideas are fair game.
Also very glad to be able to comment again!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *