Houston, We Have A Problem

Jordan | February 17, 2011

Bobby Brown and Other Drugs

I want to start by saying that we knew Adele was from the UK when we spoke of “National Treasures”. That being said, we are officially annexing her for the United States of America (Sorry England). The whole Country got together and had a vote before the Grammys and decided we are taking her but we will gladly give you back The Beckham, no sweat (we’ve been trying to trade them to Belgium for some waffles but they were holding out for a better deal).

For our faithful fans, we are going back to the “World of Warcrap” Arc on Monday but we couldn’t help but vent a bit of our anger at the news of Whitney Houston’s passing.

More stuff we are officially taking from other Countries…

Heidi Klum from Germany… and Seal (Who isn’t actually a Country but his face does kinda look like a Topographical Map).

Coffee Beans from Columbia (Bobby Brown did request we take something else but he’s on time-out right now).

The Great Wall of China from well, China (They used it to keep Mongolians out and apparently the Republican Party had a similar idea).

Inexpensive Prescription Drugs from Canadian (Because a little Codeine shouldn’t cost 30 dollars).

And Lady Gaga from Mars

Here is what we are willing to trade…

Larry The Cable Guy to France (Hey, they thought Jerry Lewis was funny…)

The Bloods and The Crips to Any Country that needs a Gorilla Military

The Cast of Glee to Libya (unless you can think of somewhere more dangerous to strand them)

Madonna to England (Since she seems to think that’s where she’s from anyway).

And Finally, Bill O’Reilly to Germany (I hear they’ve been looking for an impassioned new leader to bring their Nation back to it’s former glory!)

If I don’t get hate mail this time, I’m going to be very disappointed!


Citizens of the United States of America:


To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”.

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in “clear” NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

Wait, Queen Elizabeth? Isn’t that the old lady that everyone in your Country pretends is in charge? Or am I confusing her with J.K. Rowling again?

As much as I love the idea of Gorilla Military you probably meant to say guerrilla…unless the bloods and the crips started recruiting gorillas if that is the case send them my way, I would love my personal gorilla bible bashing army.

I hope he meant Gorilla Army… could you imagine 10,000 Gorillas with swords and automatic riffles charging at you… screw that dude…

On a small side note Jordan Colleen is a kiwi which means she is from and lives in New Zealand. I on the other hand I am very much English and feel that I mush inform you that as prince Philip is going to be busy taking out Josh. I challenge you to a duel over the honour and good name of the English queen how dare you SIR! J.K.Rowling indeed. It small comedians at dawn first man to beat the other to dead with his comedian wins.

Ok, Colleen. I have no problem with most of what you are saying OTHER than the fact that if you guys take over, we would officially have to remove the letter “r” from the dictionary. Just due to the fact that for the most part, you guys seem to skip right over it when talking… I guess we here in the US like to call it “enunciating”. 🙂 I have a brother in law from England, and his name is Mark, not Mahk, as him saying it would imply. Sneaky English…

As epic as this is I have to dissagree with several points. Such as the bit about american cars, Need I remind you of the ’71 charger? the ’69 fast back GT500? the ’70 cuda? the camaro? theses are all good cars.Well maybe it was just a good few years, and the classic mercedes gull wing is super svelt… But credit where its due. And point number 7… what would texas be without excessively large handguns? The rest I do agree with… especialy the beer.

Gotta say this, Canada is apparently ‘ruled’ by the Queen but we do many of the things on that list also is it supposed to be set around 7 years ago or something? Uses year 2005 quite a lot.

Okay peeps, just informing y’all that this is a very old message form the net. Some of you may have noticed the 2005 date, but apparently none of you american types knew that Tony Blair was no longer PM of England. Kudos, proving exactly why you should not have independence 😛

And we here in NZ use our ‘r’s to the full extent. Especially in Gorrrrrrre.

I think we ALL knew Tony Blair is no longer the Optimus Prime Minister anymore. The current PM is Maggie Thacher (played by Meryl Streep). No, wait, it’s that Brown guy… what’s his name, OH YEAH! Bobby Brown.

His attempt on Adele’s life has already started!

the only one that would really be problem for me is number 7… other wise i can live with out much notice of the rest. 🙂

Hey US how ’bout Canada gives you Justin Bieber for……….uh a Mickey Mouse toy from Disney Land? Or something like that.

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